Goblet of Fire: The Musical
by TheMischiefMakers
Summary: A musicalization of Goblet of Fire with a little twist.


Goblet of Fire…The Musical 

Act One

By: TheMischiefMakers

Disclaimer: We own nothing here, most of it belongs to their respective owners and we claim nothing.  The only we can claim are the twisted lyrics and  a good portion of the dialogue.

A/N: This is a long extended filk that we started after we both read book four. This is all we have and it's meant to be funny and not too serious, so don't take offense. It's all in fun. Review when you get done and tell us what you think and we'll see about finishing it.

Prologue…

(The Ghosts of LILY and JAMES POTTER are onstage watching HARRY, who is sleeping fitfully on a bed stage center)

LILY: Do you think he knows?

JAMES: I'm not sure Lily…if not he soon will…all will.

(LILY turns to JAMES and looks sadly at him. Then SHE walks to HARRY and sits on the bed. JAMES joins HER standing. THEY begin to sing…Lost in the Darkness  (Lost in your Nightmares) from Jekyll and Hyde)

JAMES  & LILY (singing):  Lost in your Nightmares

                                                Darkness surrounds you

                                                Please, heed the warnings

                                                Of Lord Voldemort's rise

                                                 Premonitions true

                                                 What will you, nay, all do

                                                 To stay safe from Darkness

                                                 And keep to the Light

                                                 Deep in your dreaming

                                                 Please try to hear us

                                                 We shall be near you

                                                 As night passes by

                                                  We will find a way

                                                  Shall never desert you

                                                  As we promised you

                                                  On the day that we died.

(LILY kisses HARRY and JAMES looks then ruffles HARRY hair. THEY rise and begin to leave stage right. Before THEY are both gone JAMES   looks offstage, HIS eyes get big as if HE doesn't believe what HE'S seeing then turns back to look at HARRY)

JAMES: Good luck Harry.

(The lights go down on HARRY and come up down stage on two figures…MOODY and SNAPE. THEY look at HARRY then look at each other then turn towards the audience and begin to sing Façade (A Musical Now) from Jekyll and Hyde)

MOODY: It's the Goblet of Fire 

                  Made for the stage

SNAPE:  It's a musical now

                 So you better give way

BOTH: Try as you may

             But, it won't go away

(Dim spotlights up on people emerging from stages left and right. HARRY rolls over, moans and covers his face)

MOODY: It's your face you will hide

                 Before the end appears

SNAPE: And soon you'll be reliving

                All of your fears

(THEY point their wands menacingly at the audience)

BOTH: You must stay now

              Or it's Imperio on you

(Soon the stage comes alive with lights and people. There is a Graveyard upstage center and HARRY is thrashing around in his bed center stage.)

FULL COMPANY: A musical?

                                   Yes, indeed a musical

                                   This is oh so strange

                                                                    …Oh so strange

                                   Acting on the stage.

                                                                     …. Acting on the stage

                                                                             …. Acting on the stage

(RON jumps up in front of everyone)

RON: It's my solo!!

(The FULL COMPANY pushes RON out of the way…into the corner of HARRY'S bed. HARRY wakes and looks fearfully around…he reaches for his glass but can't find them)

FULL COMPANY (-RON):  Go Ron, play

                                                  Just get out of all our ways

                                                  You can't stay on stage!

(Enter LORD VOLDEMORT with DEATH EATERS who glides past RON who faints…and past HARRY who grabs his scar and looks frantically around. VOLDEMORT and the DEATH EATERS make their way to the Graveyard scene upstage)

LORD VOLDEMORT: This is all so quaint

                                        But, there's one thing I know

                                        And I know it for sure

                                        My return to power 

                                        Will be oh, so good

                                        And I'm certain 

                                        By the end of the show

(DEATH EATERS strike various Bob Fosse poses with their wands pointed in different directions)

DEATH EATERS: You'll be begging

                                  NO MORE!!!!

HARRY (speaking): My scar hurts!

GRAVEYARD GHOSTS: Look around you

                                             You will find that everything that's so sublime 

                                             And creepy

                                             Will soon happen here in no time!

(HERMIONE jumps out of the Graveyard scene and runs down stage toward the audience)

HERMIONE: It is true, yes really

                         Things get so strange

                         It's eerie 

                         And yes before you ask

                         Someone will die.

(HERMIONE runs into a group of people and disappears as DUMBLEDORE and FUDGE are glaring at each other from opposite sides of the stage…DUMBLEDORE stage left and FUDGE stage right. HARRY looks from DUMBLEDORE to FUDGE imploringly as he rubs his scar)

FULL COMPANY: A parting of ways for some people

                                   What will Fudge and Dumbledore do?

FUDGE: By the end you'll wonder

                If I'm not a Death Eater too.

(FUDGE runs laughing up to the Graveyard scene and runs around the DEATH EATERS, VOLDEMORT laughs. HARRY cringes and hides behind DUMBLEDORE)

FULL COMPANY:  Nearly everyone you meet

                                   While walking down a London street

                                   Has a deep, dark secret

                                   That they want to keep                                            

                                   Karkaroff's a Death Eater

                                   That got off way to easily

                                   Maxime's a half giant 

                                   But keep that quiet.

                                    The Triwizard Tournament is here

                                    Hosted by Dumbledore's School

                                    Just wait till you meet

                                    The new schools that it brings

                                    Durmstrang 

                                    Beauxbatons

(STUDENTS from all three schools enter from stage left and right to surround CEDRIC, FLUER AND KRUM)

                                     Fluer, Krum and Cedric

                                     Three Champions picked

                                     Three schools they meet

                                     One Champion for each

                                     The Goblet of Fi

                                      -ER 

                                      Will soon chuck out a fourth

HARRY (speaking):  Oh, not me.

(Enter FRED, GEORGE and LEE GORDON followed closely by RON and NEVILLE.)

RON: Harry is a Champion

           And we have a fight

NEVILLE: For the Yule Ball I get a date yes

                   That's right

LEE: That's so crazy!

FRED/GEORGE/LEE: It's Mischief Making time!!!

(FRED, GEORGE and LEE disappear into the crowd carrying Dung Bombs and Fillibuster Fireworks)

FULL COMPANY: What will you

                                   Do when Voldemort comes for you

                                   HA!

                                   Will you utter these four words?

                                   WE'RE DEATH EATERS TOO!!!

                                                               …WE'RE DEATH EATERS TOO!!

(BARTY CROUCH JR. jumps up in front)

CROUCH JR.: Oh, I'm a Death Eater

(CROUCH joins VOLDEMORT and the DEATH EATERS at the Graveyard Scene)

FULL COMPANY: You've all tried 

                                   To guess who will meet demise

                                   We bet that you'll

                                   Be surprised

(FULL COMPANY strikes Fosse poses again)

CEDRIC: Have you guessed who dies!?!

FULL COMPANY:  It's a heck of a time

                                    It's a good, evil crime

                                    It's mischief-making time

                                    It's a show so sublime

(Enter DRACO flanked by CRABBE and GOYLE)

DRACO: You forgot me!

(CRABBE and GOYLE laugh trollishly. DRACO slaps them)

FULL COMPANY:  It is all very odd

                                                       …. It is all very odd

                                                              . YOU ARE SO VERY ODD!

                                     Bone of the father

                                     Flesh of the servant

                                     And blood of the foe 

                                     Equals Lord Voldemort's rise

HARRY (speaking): Not my blood too.

(EVERYONE begins to close in on HARRY and DUMBLEDORE center stage)

KARKAROFF (clinching his left arm): It's the Dark Mark!!

HAGRID (pointing to some crates): And Blast Ended Skrewts          

RITA SKEETER (licking her Quick Quotes Quill): It's a heck of a Scoop.

(HARRY is looking around wildly, not able to see anything except blurs without his glasses. DUMBLEDORE grabs HARRY and pushes past the crowd towards the bed. HE puts HARRY to sleep and HARRY falls into the bed, a little smile on his face)

BAGMAN (holding up the Quidditch Cup): The Quidditch World Cup

FULL COMPANY: It's really so bizarre!

(Light down on all striking Fosse posses except DUMBLEDORE and the Graveyard upstage. Exit all except DUMBLEDORE, WORMTAIL, VOLDEMORT and FRANK BRYCE)

DUMBLEDORE: It's all so very odd.

(DUMBLEDORE finishes singing then turns to VOLDEMORT, WORMTAIL and FRANK BRYCE and bows as he leaves the stage)

ACT: ONE   
SCENE: ONE…The Riddle House

(FRANK BRYCE walks through the graveyard scene, moving carefully between the stones. The GRAVEYARD GHOSTS follow him.)

GHOST ONE: What's he up too?

GHOST TWO: Sleepwalkin' I 'spect…

GHOST THREE: Naw 'e's 'eaded for the ole Riddle place.

GHOST FOUR (in a misty and faraway voice): Don't go there…evil dwells within its halls!

GHOST ONE: Tis more evil now then before.

GHOST THREE (with disbelief) Oh, don't go on about that….

GHOST FOUR: I seen 'im.

GHOST FIVE: He's there now with his ratty friend

GHOST FOUR:  I feel 'im…

(The GHOSTS shudder and GHOST THREE faints)

GHOST TWO (shivering): And that snake of his…

(The GHOSTS turn to the "house" in the distance and begin to sing… House Upon a Hill (Riddle's House of Evil) from Secret Garden… still following FRANK as he makes his rounds of the house.)

GRAVEYARD GHOSTS:  High on a hill sits the Riddle House

                                              In which evil is residing

                                              Voldemort has here returned

                                              He makes no effort now to hide it.

                                              He sits there plotting final revenge

                                              On the one who caused his downfall

                                              Though thirteen years have come and gone

                                              Potter yet shall feel his vengeance.

(The GHOSTS begin to moan and they try to frighten FRANK but he brushes passed them.)

                                                Soon all will call him master 

                                                And live forever in fear

                                                But Potter carries within him

                                                A power greater still.

(FRANK BRYCE walks around the "house" several times, checking windows and the front door, then HE takes out a key and with it opens a hidden door. HE enters and the GRAVEYARD GHOSTS attempt to stop HIM.) 

FRANK: I have them this time…they've set fire to the old place…. well I'll catch them this time.

GRAVEYARD GHOSTS (singing):  On this hill sits the Riddle House 

                                                               Evil growing stronger inside it 

                                                               His curse caused many to died

                                                               And Harry alone survived it.

  (FRANK walks down a passage and the GHOSTS attempt to pull him back)

FRANK: They think I don't know what they say about me…. what they and there parents think of me…they call me a murderer behind my back…well, I'll have them this time.

GRAVEYARD GHOSTS (still singing): Here in this house sits Voldemort

                                                                     Plotting a return to power

                                                                     Hoping Potter to capture

                                                                     To restore him to his body.

(FRANK sees the light coming from the room stage left and he rushes forward.)

FRANK:  There they are …I've got you this time…

(The GHOSTS give up trying to stop him and move to surround HARRY who is still sleeping fitfully in his bed center stage)

GRAVEYARD GHOSTS (still singing): Yet Harry feels His return

                                                                      Through the scar gifted him

                                                                      Still he holds greater power

                                                                      Then Voldemort ever will.

(HARRY tosses and turns in bed and grabs his scar. FRANK arrives at the doorway and peers through it. There is a tall chair in the room and a man (WORMTAIL) who is cowing nearby. FRANK inches nearer and puts an ear to the door.)

VOLDEMORT: The plan cannot proceed until after the Quidditch World Cup is over. 

(FRANK shakes his head and sticks his finger in his ear trying to clear it of wax.)

WORMTAIL: Quidditch World Cup…. My Lord?

VOLDMORT: To many will be around him, you fool! I am not yet strong enough to take him but soon I will have him…soon he will be mine…soon he will pay.

(WORMTAIL faces the audience, speaking words only to them as VOLDEMORT continues his plotting)

WORMTAIL:  Why? Why …Harry?

VOLDEMORT: Yes…he will pay dearly for these 13 years. I will have him and he will give me new life…I will be restored to power and then…

WORMTAIL:  What have I become? What have I done…?

VOLDEMORT: I will make him mine…he will fall…he is weak but I am strong…

(JAMES and LILY POTTER enter to stand near the bed on which HARRY lies sleeping. They look at WORMTAIL)

WORMTAIL: Weak is what I am…what I have always been…James you were the strong one…always the strong one…

VOLDEMORT: The world will soon feel my wrath…

WORMTAIL: …Lily… there was a time I would have done anything to keep you safe… 

VOLDEMORT: Soon there will be no place for you to hide, Potter.  I will rise again…

WORMTAIL: I was too cowardly to fight so I ran…straight to the enemy…I had no choice…Padfoot was right… I should have died rather then give away the secret…Died, as I know you would have for me…

(Wormtail begins to sing…No One Knows (I'm such a Fool) from Jekyll and Hyde.)

WORMTAIL (softly): Look at me and tell me why this is to be,

                                      Betrayer of friends, betraying once again?

                                      Call me a traitor… it's true I am

                                      But I can't say why I turned

                                       It's such a shame 

                                       I caused such harm

                                       When I betrayed my friends

(WORMTAIL looks at his left arm and winces)

                                        When this began they stood by my side

                                        We had strength greater then His…

                                        Now that is all a sad memory

                                        Friends destined to part.

                                        I still see them forever at my side

                                        And I wonder what am I?

                                        How was I turned to darkness?

                                        Why did our friendship not last?

                                        How could I betray the Potters?

                                        And our past?

(The ghosts of JAMES and LILY POTTER float before WORMTAIL and SIRIUS AND REMUS stand next to them looking between WORMTAIL and HARRY who still sleeps fitfully)

WORMTAIL: Look at me and tell me what to do

                         Why am I a weak fool?

                         Will he survive what I here must do?

                         If I can't somehow save him?

                         Can I do this?

                         I'm so afraid

                         But his life I must save.           

(WORMTAIL stretches his hand out toward his old friends, who fade slowly away one by one until only JAMES is left. JAMES casts a meaningful look at WORMTAIL before fading last)

WORMTAIL: Master it could be done without Harry Potter. 

VOLDEMORT:  That is true, but I will use him and no other. You know the reason why Wormtail so I need not repeat it.

WORMTAIL:  But the protections around him are powerful, My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: I will break them. Those fools cannot protect him from me forever. I will have him and through him I'll be reborn. Nothing will stop me. I have thought of nothing for the past thirteen years.  He will be mine…he will turn or be killed. 

(VOLDEMORT begins to hum and then he sings…. In the Dark of the Night (On this Fated Night) from Anastasia.)

VOLDEMORT: All this time in hiding, I've been plotting and planning

                            My rise to power at last to complete

                            In Potter lies the Key to a spell to return power to me

                            We must now meet, so Fate has decreed.

(Shadowy DEATH EATERS appear around VOLDEMORT)

 VOLDEMORT (DEATH EATERS): I am still the most powerful Dark wizard ever

                                                                                                                                                        (Voldemort)

                                                                 When the Potters betrayed me they made a mistake

                                                                                                                                                            (Yes, they did)

                                                                 My curse made both of them pay 

                                                                 But Potter's son got away

                                                                 Oh, Harry beware for I now awake.

(HARRY tosses and turns more violently in his bed as the DEATH EATERS gather around him as well, forming a circle around HARRY, VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL.)

DEATH EATERS: In the dark of the night

                                 Then he will have you

                                 Through your scar 

                                 You feel his power return

VOLDEMORT (D.E.):  My revenge will be sweet (the curse will be complete)

                                        (For on that night) your protections will be gone!

(VOLDEMORT moves to stand beside the bed stage center and HARRY moans in agony. The DEATH EATERS begin to dance around THEM both. )

VOLDMORT: I can feel that my powers are slowly returning 

                          I shall arise stronger then ever before

                          As the pieces fall into place, I shall see you begging for release               

                          Forever know this Potter, I'll be your downfall!

DEATH EATERS: In the dark of the night…terror will bind him!

VOLDEMORT: Terrors the least I will do!

DEATH EATERS: In the dark of that night…. evil will rule!

VOLDEMORT AND DEATH EATERS:  Soon you will know

                                                                       What your nightmares now show…

(D.E.) VOLDEMORT: (For in the dark of that night)…You'll be turned!

DEATH EATERS (+ WORMTAIL): In the dark of the night evil will bind you

                                                               (Bind you)

                                                               In the dark of that night terror comes to

                                                               (Doom you)

VOLDEMORT (D.E.): Here is the sign…. it's the (end of borrowed time….)

(A DEATH EATER shoots off the Dark Mark that hangs for a moment in the air before disappearing)

DEATH EATERS: For on that night

                                 In the dark of it he'll rise….

VOLDEMORT: Rise my minions…return to your master

                             See the Dark Mark shine.

DEATH EATERS: Dark Mark calls…

                                 The Master comes…

VOLDEMORT:  Beware Potter for you shall ever be mine

DEATH EATERS: For on that dark night

                                 As had been told 

                                 In prophesy old

VOLDEMORT: We'll be one!

(The DEATH EATERS   disappear. FRANK BRYCE rushes in from behind the door and places HIMSELF between HARRY and VOLDEMORT)

FRANK: I've heard enough Mr. I'm a Big Bad Evil Dark Wizard and I Want to Take Over the World. I'm going to the police, I am. You're planning murder…. someone has to stop you…. you cannot kill this boy…I won't let you…I know who you are….

VOLDEMORT (laughing an evil laugh): No you don't Muggle….

(VOLDEMORT points a wand at FRANK and a flash of green light comes from it and FRANK falls to the floor dead.  HARRY screams. VOLDEMORT looks down at HARRY, glaring at him hungrily)

VOLDEMORT: But not yet Potter…. not yet…. enjoy the time you've got left…. soon you will be mine…. forever.

(VOLDEMORT tries to touch HARRY but is thrown back be the power of the protective spell that was placed on him. HARRY screams and tries to move away. VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL exit. WORMTAIL looks back at HARRY  and sees  LILY  and JAMES looking back at him, before exiting stage right. ) 

LILY and JAMES: Yet you feel his return 

                                 Though the scar he gifted you 

                                 From two hundred miles away

                                 Please heed this warning true.

(HARRY awakens with a start as JAMES and LILY fade away into the darkness at the edges of the stage)

ACT ONE:

SCENE TWO: The Scar

(HARRY looks frantically around, rubbing his scar and cringing. HE shudders and reaches out for his glasses, which happily he finds on his nightstand. HE rubs his scar again as he looks around his room)

HARRY: My scar hurts…really badly. I wonder what it means.  (Rubs his scar again) Voldemort.  That dream…(HE thinks hard trying to bring the dream from Scene One into focus) Voldemort…Wormtail…and an old man.  (Shudders again) Did I really see Voldemort singing…and…and dancing? Wormtail too? What about that old man? I hope it was just a dream and not one of those visions Professor Trelawny likes to talk about. Voldemort and Wormtail singing and dancing is just wrong…as in it's not right. I know that my scar hurts when Voldemort is near; I mean it did before but could it also hurt when Voldemort is singing and dancing.  (HARRY pauses a he walks to the window) It was such a disturbing dream.

(HARRY looks around as if a singing and dancing Voldemort might jump out at any minute. HARRY begins to sing. Dreamed a Dream (Dreamed a Dream) from Les Miserable)

HARRY (singing): There was a time

                                  When I was blind

                                  When I knew nothing 

                                  Of the powers I held 

                                  There was a time 

                                  When things were fine

                                  When I had parents

                                  And NOT the Dursleys

                                   There was a time

                                   But, things have gone so wrong.

(HARRY looks around the room, sighs as he hears Dudley's offstage snores. Then he looks at his Cudley Cannons Book then to Hedwig's empty cage and sighs again)

                                    I dreamed a dream that someone died

                                    That Voldemort sang and danced and was fine

                                    I think that he has crossed the line

                                    And now has gone really insane

                                    I know that I should be afraid

                                    When my scar hurts it causes me pain

                                    But what's the price that I must pay

                                    To make the dreams and pain go away

                                    Are these visions that I see

                                    Things that soon or maybe will be

                                    Or are they events from the past

                                    A figment of a tired brain

(HARRY shakes his head and fingers his scar again)

                                     Prof Trelawny once told me

                                     The Dark Lord soon shall be free

                                     Returned by the one who fleed

                                     She's such a fraud should I believe

(HARRY snaps his fingers then sits down at his table and takes out quill and parchment and begins to write)

                                      I know I'll write to Sirius

                                      My Godfather, ex-convict will know

                                      Better then Ron or Hermione

                                      They won't be able to help me

                                       I fear these dreams will alter things

                                       I mean Voldemort he, danced around me 

                                       Could that perhaps be a curse thing?

                                       T'was disturbing the dream I dreamed   

(HARRY begins to feverishly write to Sirius as the lights fade)

ACT ONE

SCENE: THREE…The Invitation

(The lights come back up and HARRY walks downstairs to the kitchen. HE pauses just outside the door to the kitchen and looks up toward Heaven. HARRY begins to sing Day by Day (Every Year) from Godspell)

HARRY: Every year…

                Every year…

                Oh how I want to get out of here.

                Each summer things get worse….

                I must be under a Dark curse…

                May it now be reversed…?

                Please this year….

                Things grow worse

                Every year…

                You can't know what it's like here.

                Why must I stay here?

                It's becoming too much to bare…

                The Dursleys don't even care

                 For me…

                 No they don't….

(HARRY looks sadly up at toward heaven and then HE opens the kitchen door. The DURSLEYS sit around a table and HARRY joins them. They begin to eat their breakfast…then there is a knock offstage. VERNON exits. HE returns, looking angry, after several minutes of arguing with the person offstage)

VERNON: You…come with me… living room…now!

(HARRY gets up from the table and follows VERNON to the room on the other side of the kitchen door. PETUNIA and DUDLEY scramble to their feet and rush to the door, hoping to hear HARRY being told off.)

VERNON (getting red in the face): LOOK AT THIS!!!!!

(VERNON shoves a letter in HARRY'S face. HARRY reads it and smiles)

VERNON: I'd stop that smiling if I were you, boy. Now who is "Molly Weasley" and how'd she get this address… I'd don't want any of those…. your kind of people here.

HARRY: She's the mother of one of my friends from Hogwarts…

(VERNON turns purple and then pales)

VERNON: How dare you use that…. that…. word under my roof!

HARRY (sounding not sorry at all): Sorry…

VERNON (narrows his eyes and glares at HARRY): LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!

(VERNON shoves a stamp covered envelope at HARRY)

VERNON: The mailman was very interested in this letter and where it came from.

HARRY: I should say so…look at this stamp…. it's really old…. and rare….

(HARRY tries to show VERNON the stamp he is talking about but VERNON shoves the envelope away)

HARRY:  Can I go to the World Cup?

(VERNON thinks for a long moment)

HARRY: Guess not…. can I leave now…I need to finish the letter from the last scene… to Sirius, my ex convict godfather…

VERNON (face paling at the mention of Sirius):  Are you seriously still writing to him…. 

(HARRY nods and VERNON thinks quickly)

VERNON: You can go…. on one condition…. don't come back here. You stay with these Weasleys until school starts. 

HARRY: Like I wanted to come back here. 

(HARRY marches the door and brushes passed PETUNIA and DUDLEY, returning to his room.  HE gets pelted by RON'S owl and finds a note attached to the owls leg.)

HARRY (reads the note and picks up the quill again): Yes, I can go…you can pick me up soon. Thanks a lot. Harry.

(HARRY ties the note to the leg of RON'S owl and sends it away. He then finishes his letter from the pervious scene and ties it to HEDWIG'S leg and sends her off too.)

HARRY (jumping up and down like an insane lunatic): I get to go to the Quidditch World Cup…. I'm leaving the Dursleys for a while…. YES. 

ACT ONE:

SCENE: FOUR…Back to the Burrow 

(The lights come up on HARRY who is looking out of the window while UNCLE VERNON is glaring at him)

VERNON: They are coming for you…. right?

HARRY: Yeah, er, soon…. I hope I can't stand it here much longer.

(Enter DUDLEY, covering his butt)

HARRY: Hey, Dudley, wasn't that a great meal earlier. I'm really stuffed. But, I could eat some more.

(DUDLEY glares at HARRY as HARRY removes a piece of cake from his pocket and begins to eat it)

DUDLEY: Hey!!!!

(DUDLEY rushed HARRY and they fight over the cake.)

HARRY: You want it so bad…? Fetch it, boy!!!

(HARRY throws the cake into the air. They he grins evilly.)

HARRY: Hello, Mr. Weasley!

(HE begins to wave frantically. DUDLEY screams, grabs his butt and runs from the room.)

DUDLEY: MUUUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!!! 

(HARRY laughs as he grabs the cake before it falls to the ground and stuffs it in his pocket.)

HARRY: Stupid, git is so hungry for food he didn't even see that it was rubber cake.

(VERNON frowns at HARRY.)

VERNON: When are they going to be here?

HARRY: Soon.

VERNON: Load of old tosh!

(There is a scrambling offstage and a voice is heard)

VOICE: Excellent nosh!!!

(AUNT MARGE enters, stage right. HERMIONE and RON are trying in vain to hold her back. SHE pushes THEM and THEY go flying backstage. HARRY winces)

VERNON: Marge?!?

(MARGE looks long and hard at VERNON, then she hiccups)

VERNON: Marge, you're not in this scene. You're not even in this book!

HARRY: Thank God!

(HARRY begins to sing Thank God (Why, God, Why from Miss Saigon)

HARRY: I know now why I can't sleep at night,

                And it's not because of my room.

                It's because I have this terrible fright,

                Of Aunt Marge coming back too soon!

VERNON: You be quiet!

MARGE (hiccupping between each word): Yeah…quiet…be…you…

 HARRY: Hey! You interrupted my song!

(HARRY glares at MARGE and balls up his fists. MARGE stumbles around and pushes HARRY aside)

MARGE:  Song….me…sing…

(MARGE begins to screech incoherently. Everyone covers their ears)

VERNON: This way Marge.

(VERNON gently leads MARGE stage left. HE pushes HER gently into the wings but she stumbles and runs into people as she stumbles around. People offstage yell)

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, watch out your drunken sot!

HERMIONE:  Honestly!

RON: That's just wrong!

SNAPE: Get her out of here!

VOLDEMORT: This is a load of old tosh!

MARGE: EXCELLENT NOSH!!!

EVERYONE: SHUT-UP!!!

(There is more stumbling offstage and a door opens and then closes again. There is a squeaking of breaks and car horns blare)

DIRECTOR:  Ok you can get on with the scene, she's gone!

(HARRY grins and sighs as VERNON turns purple)

HARRY: That's not your best color you know.

VERNON: What did you do to her!?!

DIRECTOR: It's okay. She's fine! (Sirens can be heard offstage) Just, get on with the show.

(VERNON rounds on HARRY)

VERNON: You better hope that fool didn't get her hurt!

HARRY: That _fool_ is the Director.

(VERNON turns a dark purple color.)

VERNON: You better hope this Weasley comes soon.

(HARRY glares at VERNON then explodes)

HARRY: I hope they come soon too. Having to share this house and the book with you is one thing. But, having to share this musical and this stage with you is too much for me. I hate…

DIRECTOR: The script please.

VERNON: Well, they are coming by car and they are going to act normal and dress normal even if they are not, right?

HARRY: Er…I guess.

(Exit VERNON)

HARRY: Mr. Weasley comes soon, please.

(Lights up StageRight on The Burrow where there is a frenzy of activity. VERNON reenters with PETUNIA and DUDLEY as time passes)

VERNON: They're not here yet!

(VERNON taps his foot PETUNIA looks terrified and DUDLEY keeps clenching his bottom and making a pig-like sound)

PETUNIA: Dudders it's okay.

(SHE tries to put her arm around DUDLEY but he moves out of the way)

VERNON: You did say they were coming by car…right?

HARRY: Er…

ARTHUR (stage right):  We'll use Floo Powder!

MOLLY: Becareful dear.

ARTHUR: We will.

(Away from MOLLY and ARTHUR stand FRED and GEORGE who are filling their pockets with candies)

FRED: Can't wait to see Dudley!

GEORGE: Yeah, we can try these…finally

FRED: Ton Tongue Toffees. The ideas we come up with.

GEORGE: Are we ready yet?

ARTHUR: Almost.

MOLLY: Where is Ron?

(RON enters a long-suffering look on his face)

RON: Here, Mum. I had to unstuck Pigs beak…again…

(FRED and GEORGE laugh and RON glares at them)

MOLLY: Now, you behave yourselves. Expecially, you two. No trouble.

FRED: Who? Us?

GEORGE: Trouble? No way.

(MOLLY glares at them)

ARTHUR: We better get a move on. We're already late.

(Lights down stage right)

VERNON: They have no respect for time…these people…

(Suddenly there is movement from the fireplace)

PETUNIA: Uh-Oh…

(DUDLEY runs away as quickly as he can)

HARRY (singing): Thank God

                                 You are here!

                                 Take me with you!

                                 Far from here!!!!

(After a little struggle The WEASLEY'S make it through the fireplace. ARTHUR rolls out last)

ARTHUR: A little trouble with the fireplace?

DUDLEY: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

PETUNIA: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

(PETUNIA faints and DUDLEY who reentered the room backs towards the wall)

HARRY: Come on let's get out of here!

(FRED and GEORGE throw Toffees at DUDLEY…DUDLEY grabs them and begins to eat them, his tongue begins to swell. PETUNIA wakes up)

PETUNIA: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(PETUNIA faints again as DUDLEY'S tongue continues to grow)

ARTHUR: I'll fix it.

(ARTHUR walks towards DUDLEY and points his wand as the lights go out)

ARTHUR: See all better.

ACT ONE

SCENE:  FIVE: Weasley Wizard Wheezes

(Lights come up on the Weasley's kitchen. At the table are seated BILL and CHARLIE the eldest Weasley brothers who are talking and laughing with FRED, GEORGE AND RON. HARRY stumbles out of the fireplace covered in soot and dust.)

HARRY: I really hate that part. 

FRED and GEORGE: Did Dudley eat it?

HARRY (laughing): Yeah, he sure did. What was that stuff anyway?

FRED (smirking): Ton Tongue Toffees!

GEORGE (chortling) we invented them.

(GINNY and HERMIONE enter the room)

GINNY: We've always wondered about what you two were doing in that room of yours and now we know.  They want to open their own joke shop…but mum doesn't want them too. 

GEORGE: She wants us to go into the Ministry like Dad and Percy.

FRED:  But I ask you where's the fun in that. 

FRED and GEORGE: Having a joke shop has always been our dream…

(FRED and GEORGE begin to sing, Impossible Things (Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha)

FRED and George:  We've done such impossible things

                                   We want a joke shop of our own

                                    To create new jokes for tomorrow

                                    That go were no jokes dare not go

                                    Mum thinks our ideas are wrong

                                     She wants us to be Ministry stars

                                     To take life more seriously

                                     Then we already are

                                      But we have a quest

                                      We must follow that star

                                      Our plan is not hopeless

                                      And we can go far

                                      Laughter is right   

                                      And we will not pause

                                      To make the most mischief well

                                      Has ever been our cause

                                       And we know

                                       That our old friends true

                                       Will look well on our quest

                                       We'll be remembered always as one

                                       Who knew how to joke best

                                        And the world will be brighter for this

                                        Laughter helps all those who are scared

                                        We still hold to all of our courage

                                        And we'll then be Mischief Making stars

(ARTHUR WEASLEY enters the room)

ARTHUR: You boy shouldn't have done that. Here I am trying to protect the rights of Muggles like Harry's family and you are undermining….

GEORGE: How long did his tongue get, Dad?

ARTHUR: It was 4 feet long before they would let me do something about it.

FRED: YES!

ARTHUR:  Boys it wasn't funny…he could have been hurt.

HARRY: He'd deserve it too after all the torture he's put me through.

GEORGE (smirking): You have to admit it was a good on though?

ARTHUR (trying hard not to laugh): Yes…it was a good one.

(All of the WEASLEYS start to laugh)

ARTHUR: But still you knew he would eat them because he's on a diet. No one deserves to be tortured like that boys.

HARRY: Oh, yes he does Mr. Weasley. He's a bullying git.

ARTHUR: That's not the point, Harry. (Glares at the TWINS) I will be speaking to your mother about this…this…

BILL: The best joke that any Weasley ever pulled.

CHARLIE: Yeah, lighten up Dad.  Its not as if you never pulled a prank before.

(BILL and CHARLIE smirk at ARTHUR)

ARTHUR:  All right…. but still you mother would not be happy if she heard….

(MOLLY enters the room with her arms folded)

MOLLY: Heard what Arthur dear?

ARTHUR: Oh nothing dear.  I've already had word with Fred and George.

MOLLY: About what? Have they been playing jokes again? (SHE rounds on them) Honestly! What am I going to do with you? 

(RON gestures to the OTHERS who gather around him)

RON: Come on. Let's leave and put your stuff in my room. 

GINNY: It's been like this all summer. They're always fighting because Mum wants Fred and George to go into the Ministry.

RON: But they just want to run a joke shop.

HARRY (smirking): They'd be good at it though.

(RON, GINNY, HARRY and HERMIONE all start to laugh. A door opens and PERCY enters glaring at them all)

PERCY: Can't you be a little quieter. I'm trying to work!

RON: Yeah right, Percy. We were just having a little fun.

PERCY:  Just shut up! Is it too much to ask that I have a little quiet when I'm working.

GINNY: Stow it Percy. No one cares about your cauldron report.

PERCY: Well you really should care. Shoddy cauldrons are a really serious problem in some parts of the world. (Notices HARRY). Hullo Harry.

HARRY: Hullo Percy. How is your report coming?

(GINNY and RON start waving there hands around trying to stop HARRY from asking his question)

RON (whispering): Too late.

(PERCY begins to sing Cauldron Bottoms (Bohemienne Song Chorus) from Notre-Dame de Paris as the others cover their ears)

PERCY (singing very off key): Cauldron bottoms

                                                      That is what my report is about

                                                      Cauldron bottoms

                                                      Yes, that is exactly what I said

                                                       Cauldron bottoms

                                                       Cauldron bottoms

                                                       Thoughts of them fill my head

                                                        Cauldron bottoms

                                                        That are way to thin

                                                        They are a danger lurking within….

RON: Yeah, whatever Perce. Why don't you go back to your report and we'll go on upstairs.

PERCY: Hey! You interrupted my song! It was my first one….

(RON and HARRY push him through the door he entered by and close it.)

HARRY (grimacing): I hope it's his last song too.

HERMIONE: Not everyone can sing Harry.

HARRY: Well, that may be but this is a musical after all.

RON: Come on before he comes back out.

(The stage goes dark)

ACT ONE

SCENE: SIX: The Portkey

(At Rise we see a very grumpy HARRY, RON, FRED and GEORGE seated around the breakfast table. ARTHUR is dressed in muggle clothing and they are talking about an article in the Daily Prophet)

ARTHUR: They went and splinched themselves.

FRED: Ouch!

HARRY: Splinched?

RON: Left part of themselves behind…it's kind of gross.

GEORGE: Wish that Perce would…

(RON and HARRY laugh as FRED and GEORGE proceed to reenact the event of PERCY getting splinched)

FRED: I'm Percy. I'm important look at me. I can Apparate without error…

GEORGE (in falsetto):  Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

FRED: Hey! No need to yell…. I know that I'm good looking too and all but geez….

(GEORGE points at FRED'S arm, which is "missing")

FRED: Ah! No! This can't happen to me! I'm the mighty and powerful Percy.

(PERCY is looking in the doorway, but says nothing and no one sees him either. He glares at the TWINS then leaves shaking his head)

PERCY: They are jealous of me, that's what it is. Pure Jealousy!

GEORGE: That would be so hysterical if that happened. Can you imagine it?

(GEORGE begins to sing _I was Splinched_  to  _Dechire _from Notre Dame de Paris)

I was splinched

I cut myself in two

I was splinched

What oh what will I do.

I'm the great Percy too

These things just don't happen to one like me!

I was splinched

I cut myself in two

I was splinched

Has this happened to you?

Tell me oh please, oh please

How did you undo it when done to you?

ARTHUR (interrupting them): Now, stop it you two. If your mother heard you…

MOLLY (entering): I already did. Honestly, you two are going too…

(MOLLY pauses and looks hard at the TWINS)

MOLLY: Accio! Accio! Accio!

(Pranks and brightly colored candies begin to fly away from the TWINS)

FRED: MUM!

GEORGE: Hey!

(GEORGE makes a grab at one of the candies but he becomes overbalanced and falls into FRED. THEY both fall onto the floor at MOLLY'S feet)

FRED and GEORGE: OUCH!!

MOLLY: It's your own fault, clumsy.

(MOLLY pitches all that SHE recovered from the TWINS into the fire. FRED and GEORGE nearly follow them into the fire. THEY turn to her and glare.)

FRED: We spent months developing those!

(GEORGE looks at the fire as the last of the colorful wrappers vanishes into ash. He frowns)

GEORGE:  All that work…

MOLLY: Perhaps, you should've spent all that time and worked on your O. W. L. 'S. Then maybe you would've gotten better marks! At this rate you'll be on the Marcus Flint Plan!

(The TWINS are struck speechless. Sputtering they exit angrily past HERMIONE and GINNY who have finally decided to join everyone.)

RON: That was a low blow, Mum. 

HERMIONE: What was a low blow?

MOLLY; Nothing, dear, now just sit and have some breakfast.

(The others shrug as GINNY yawns. After a few minutes the TWINS reenter, all ready to go. THEY give ARTHUR a meaningful look)

ARTHUR (noting the tension in the air): Well, we better get going if we plan on making it in time. 

RON (sighing heavily): Wish we could just Apparate like Bill, Charlie and Percy are then we could have a bit of a lie in and we wouldn't have to walk.

HARRY: Walk! To the Quidditch World Cup! No one told me this! 

ARTHUR: No, no we're only walking to Stoatshead Hill. From there we will take a Portkey to the Match. 

MOLLY: Have a good time all of you!

(THEY all leave The Burrow and walk…and walk…and walk…and walk some more until the reach Stoathead Hill.  HARRY is the last one up the hill. HE sits and breathes heavily.)

ARTHUR: Now, we must find the Portkey. We'll have to search for it. 

HARRY (muttering bitterly to himself): Had to get up way to early, heard an argument, didn't have enough breakfast, walked a long distance…then had to walk up a stupid hill and now I've got a stitch in my side and now…now I have to help find some stupid Portkey thing. This bits!

(EVERYONE looks at HARRY…they heard it all)

HARRY: Oh, sorry about that…What will the Portkey look like?

(ARTHUR looks at HARRY as if he really doesn't want to tell him. But he does)

ARTHUR: Oh, like trash. Something a Muggle wouldn't even think of touching.

HARRY: If Muggles wouldn't touch it, why would we?

RON (hitting HARRY in the back of the head): Because, we know it'll be the Portkey, duh!

HARRY: How, will it have a little sign on it that says,  "I'm the Portkey!"   

(RON glares at HARRY)

RON: No! You're being a real butt today Harry!

HARRY: Well, so are you!

(RON and HARRY glare at each other)

ARTHUR: Come on…let's begin to look.

HARRY: I'm not touching any trash!

RON: Then I guess you'll not get to go to the Quidditch World Cup!

HARRY: Maybe, I'll just Apparate there. 

(RON bursts out into laughter)

RON: Yeah, right…

(ARTHUR steps in between the two of them and pushes them apart as they look like THEY are about to fight)

ARTHUR: We only have a limited amount of time to catch the Portkey…if we miss it then we'll ALL miss the Match! Now, lets quit bickering and search for it.

FRED: But, we'll have to search all night….

(FRED begins to sing _We'll Have to Search All Night_ to _I Could've Danced All Night _from My Fair Lady)

We'll have to search all night

We'll have to search all night

Over this hill we'll pour

We'll find a million things

But, not the Portkey thing

We'll have to search all night

We'll have to search all night

Over this hill still more

Finding all kinds of things

But, where's the Portkey, please…

We'll have to search, search, search….

(Another singing voice is heard offstage. It covers FRED'S. It's singing _This is the Portkey_ to the song _Here Comes the Morning _from Martin Guerre)

OFFSTAGE VOICE: This is the Portkey

                                     I've found the Portkey

                                     And with the day to dawn

                                     We'll soon find ourselves at the match…

(CEDRIC and his father AMOS enter holding a boot. HARRY looks ill. ARTHUR smiles and shakes AMOS' hand. FRED and GEORGE glare at CEDRIC.)

ARTHUR (grinning):  Hey, Amos. I didn't know that you could sing.

AMOS: I can't that was Severus back there singing for me. I can't carry a tune except in my hands. 

(AMOS smiles. There is a long pause, a very long pause)

AMOS (whispering): That was a joke…you were supposed to laugh.

ARTHUR: Huh?

(HARRY grins a bit but is still grossed out by the boot.  HERMIONE is stifling her laughter with her fist in her mouth. EVERYONE else just stands there. AMOS sighs and shakes his head)

AMOS: I can't carry a tune except in my hand….

(Holds out his hand and a piece of music appears. The WEASLEY's still look a bit confused)

HARRY: I think that part about Professor Snape singing is really funnier. I can't imagine him singing at all. 

(AMOS turns to HARRY.) 

AMOS: Actually, Severus really can sing. You should here him sometime…excellently trained voice…Oh, Harry? (AMOS looks at HARRY's forehead and whispers) You're scar makeup is coming off…

HARRY: Like they can see that in the audience. 

(AMOS tries to fix it but HARRY moves. AMOS glares then recovers himself)

AMOS: I didn't know you were going to be here.

(HARRY rolls his eyes)

ARTHUR (to himself): Can't carry a tune…hmmmmm.

AMOS:  Ced, here told us all about you. You're good but our Ced is better then you. 

CEDRIC (in a long suffering voice): Here he goes again.

AMOS: Yep, Ced here is an excellent student, the very model a of a modern Hogwarts Prefect.

(The song that goes here was cut because AMOS can't sing as he pointed out. The song was _He is the Very Model of a Modern Hogwarts Prefect _to the song_ I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General _from Pirates of Penzance)

AMOS: He's great at Quidditch and he has beaten you Harry. HA! You never stood a chance against over Cedric here. He's the best and no one or nothing will ever do him in or out do him.  I mean he's just perfect. Now, Harry I'm sure you think your perfect and all but Ced here is…

CEDRIC:  He always does this. Always!

HARRY:  Does he ever shut-up?

CEDRIC:  Only in his sleep. 

HARRY: He's like Lockhart or something. The ever moving mouth.

ARTHUR (to himself): …except in his hand…hmmm.

(CEDRIC frowns then looks at his father who is still talking without breathing. CEDRIC grins.)

CEDRIC: Well he does talk a lot, that's for sure. I'm sure he means well.

AMOS: Ced would be Minister of Magic one day yep. He will, you wait…

RON: Is all that in the script?

(AMOS pauses and RON thinks that HE heard him, but HE didn't.)

AMOS: Well, that's a stupid line. He can't be because…

ARTHUR: Look at the time. We better all grab the Portkey…(whispers) Can't carry a tune…ahhhhh….

(THEY all grab the Portkey and the lights go. ARTHUR begins to laugh)

ARTHUR (laughing):  I get it! That was funny!

BASIL (singing): The 5:15 from Stoatshead Hill!

End of Act One


End file.
